Let’s Talk About Self-talk
We all get ambitious for our new year’s resolutions. From running 5k’s to starting that business, our resolutions bring hope and promise to our new year and give us a fresh slate. But why is it that our motivation fizzles year after year, goal after goal? I will tell you right now that I know the answer. It’s due to our internal monologue. It tells you some real bull shit, and I know how to take your internal monologue to boot camp and knock some sense into it.
Internal monologue has another name: Self-talk. It’s that little voice inside your head that is in charge of the way you see yourself in the world, the voice that tells you if you can do something or not or if what you see in the mirror is enough to ask that girl on a date. A lot of these views are good but a few are hurting you and you probably don’t even realize it. That’s when self-talk turns into negative self-talk, and this is where we get into trouble.
Now, how to go to the source of where you learned your self-talk and how you gave it meaning is a whole other blog post, so try not to go down the rabbit hole, here. Just stay with me in the sense that you can pretty much take a self-limiting thought about yourself and give it a complete turnaround so that nothing stands in your way in reaching your goals.
The secret is countering the negative self-talk. Imagine yourself as a jedi debater and mic-dropping your own negative self-talk. If your self-talk is saying, “what if I fail?” or “this is too hard I’ll never be able to do this,” then chances are you’re being persuaded by negative self-talk and you’re going to quit training for that 5k and you’re going to hit the brakes on starting your own business. I’ve fallen victim to this many times, and, honestly, it’s the reason I haven’t started this blog sooner. My negative self-talk was telling me that my writing wasn’t good enough, I’ll never be successful, I didn’t have what it takes, and that no one would be interested in my blog. Geeze. That sounds so depressing! Glad I gave those self-limiting habits the middle finger!
No matter what negative self-talk you are subconsciously giving in to, you can counter it by asking a series of questions that basically knocks your negative thinking on its ass. I learned to ask these questions from The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne (2015). You can imagine that with a book like this, I was in a pretty dark place. This book saved my bacon, dudes. I would recommend it to anyone, whether you suffer from anxiety or not. It’s so helpful in developing healthy mental habits, especially self-talk!
Bourne (2015) wants you to investigate your negative thinking by asking yourself the following questions:
- What is the evidence for this?
- Is this always true?
- Has this been true in the past?
- What are the odds of this really happening (or being true)?
- What is the very worst that could happen? What is so bad about that? What would you do if the worst happened?
- Are you looking at the whole picture?
- Are you being fully objective?
Chances are, your negative self-talk can’t stand up to this kind of scrutiny and it is powerful and liberating and empowering AF when you can answer these questions and realize that your belief about a particular thing is not worth hanging on to because it has no validity.
I’ll give you a very personal example. As I’m writing this post I’m listening to an annoying Youtube video trying to keep my two small kids at bay so I can get it done. They’re also trashing my room, jumping on my bed and just straight up acting cray. All this is giving me anxiety and it’s also making me feel like I’m not going to get this blog post done tonight, which is my goal, and that made me think of a pretty anxiety-inducing thought: If I don’t post this by tomorrow no one will follow me on Instagram or subscribe to my blog because I won’t have consistent content.
- What’s the evidence for this? Online evidence from experts shows that you have to be consistent to generate a following on Instagram and subscribers for blogs. So… shit.
- Is this always true? It’s not true for me, personally. If I like the content of someone’s work, I’ll keep waiting for something new to come out or I’ll read old stuff because of how it resonates with me.
- Has this been true in the past? No. I’ve put off blog posts or Instagram posts in the past and I’ve still generated likes and followers. I also don’t post on the weekends and I don’t seem to have any anxiety over that.
- What’s the worst that could happen? The worst that could happen is I don’t have a very high following or subscriber list. I would be sad and disappointed but I would try to make it better because it’s important to me. I can work on creating new schedules for myself and my family to allow me to have some extra time to be more productive.
- Are you looking at the whole picture? I’m not looking at the whole picture. The bigger picture is thinking about what I’ve accomplished and how I have prioritized a hobby of mine that, for the longest time, I’ve put off because I didn’t think I had what it takes. I would have never done this before and I’m doing it now. That’s something I’ll always be proud of.
- Are you being fully objective? No. I’m being self-critical. I’m sure other people would tell me that I’m jumping to conclusions a little too quick.
Going through this I instantly feel calmer and more at peace with the whole situation. It allowed me to zoom out and see the bigger picture, which is that it will ultimately be fine if I don’t post this content tomorrow like I planned. It doesn’t make me a failure and my followers and subscribers will likely be understanding or even oblivious to my own personal rigid goals. I’m writing this post now with a more relaxed frame of mind and I’m actually more at ease with the chaos surrounding me.
Try these questions on yourself when you are finding yourself not sticking to your goals. You’ll either learn how you are talking yourself out of something great or you might even learn that something you’re trying to talk yourself out of is actually your body’s way of telling you that you’re taking too much on or that you need to rethink some goals. I hope this simple trick helps you not only with your new year’s resolutions but with your everyday thinking as well.
Please be mindful that this isn’t a cure-all for anxiety or negative self-talk, being that I’m not a therapist or expert by any means. This is just a useful tool to help you reframe and see your negative thoughts for what they really are: Negative! However, I will confirm that practicing this regularly will definitely help you develop more positive thinking about yourself.
I hope this information changes the way you treat yourself. You deserve to reach your goals, smile at your reflection and feel good. That’s what life is all about!
Happy new year!
Works Cited
Bourne, E. J. (2015) The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook: Sixth Edition. Oakland, Ca.: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.